The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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