Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
