you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
