Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
