all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
