I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
