I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
