Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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