My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
