i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
