is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
