i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
