last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
