I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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