Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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