Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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