I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
