On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize