Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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