How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
