i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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