I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
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