I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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