Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
