I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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