I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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