You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
