my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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