Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
