My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dick very happy bro
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
