Define "chronic" masturbator.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
