btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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