if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
