I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
There r osticjed everywhere
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
where are my eyebrows?
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