nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
