im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ketchup is God's man juice
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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