they need to just BURY HIM!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
