I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
