It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
