im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
