Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
