just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
