This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
