at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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