he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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