new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I want to fling myself into the sun
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
