You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
