She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
