I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
