I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
