You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
