I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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