I think my vagina is haunted
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
