What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
