girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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