I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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