dude i'm inner monologue high
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He shit in the fireplace
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
