i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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