so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
