I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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