well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We're too hungover to prance.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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