I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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