Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
