dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize