My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
